I think #1 on the Mommy War stage is breastfeeding. This post is not about slamming moms who choose to formula feed or cannot breastfeed for whatever reason. This is simply a post about my breastfeeding journey and how we can and should better support moms who wish to breastfeed. It is my hope that some women, even one woman, reads my story and comes away with more confidence in themselves to nurse.
My story
My breastfeeding journey is similar to many other moms. When asked if I planned to breastfeed, my answer was “I’ll try”. I signed up for free samples of formula “just in case”, and figured I would give it my best shot, but not beat myself up too much if I just couldn’t do it.
Lil Ziggy latched on and nursed immediately after birth, and I was able to pump a fair amount of colostrum in the hospital. I thought I was off to a great start.
Then I was sent home.
The first night, Ziggy cried incessantly. I tried over and over again to nurse him, but I had no idea if he was getting anything. I tried to remind myself that his stomach was the size of a bottle cap and that it took very little colostrum to feed him, but that just made me more worried that he wasn’t getting enough because he just kept crying. I’m sure many new and experienced moms can sympathize with this!
Finally, at 6am, I reached for one of those ready-to-go formula samples. He had a very small amount and promptly fell asleep for a few hours. I felt so guilty. I also thought, “wow, this is how the formula companies get you”. In the middle of your first night alone as a new mom, the formula is there, waiting. Just in case.
A few days later, I went to a breastfeeding clinic run through public health. I left reassured that I had adequate supply (my milk had come in by that point) but confused as to how to manage the “problem” of my fast letdown. I felt like Zig was drowning every time I fed him. He would cough and sputter and scream, over and over again. I was exhausted and sore, and I made sweeping declarations like, “if this doesn’t get better soon, I swear to God I’ll give up”.
The public health nurse (not a lactation consultant, as we don’t have any in my town) gave me a sheet that contained a long checklist, and nearly every item was checked. Dozens of things to do before, during, and after breastfeeding. I was overwhelmed. How can I do all of this? Will it really fix my problem?
Thankfully, my doula is part of a network of doulas, and over that first week pretty much every single one of them stopped by my condo to give me reassurance. One of them brought a South African trained and registered midwife and breastfeeding advocate by. Her name is Vilia, and she saved my breastfeeding.
My breasts are perfect
That’s what she said to me.
I told Vilia how I was having so much trouble, that I wasn’t shaped right, that I was exhausted and I wasn’t sure I could do it. She told me the simplest and most encouraging thing anyone has ever said to me in regards to breastfeeding.
You are perfect the way you are.
Your body was created to do this.
You are doing just fine.
I didn’t need to feed 10 minutes per side. I didn’t need to pump off foremilk (there’s no such thing as bad breastmilk, btw!). I didn’t need to use a warm compress before and a cold compress after.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I don’t need to be fixed.
Since then, I have been so much more confident with nursing. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult. It still is at times. At many times. But it’s getting easier and I’m so glad I was encouraged to trust my body instead of declaring it problematic at best and dysfunctional at worst.
I wish that so many more women could hear what I heard. Marketing, misinformation and negative attitudes towards breastfeeding and the female body are some of the biggest reasons why women don’t breastfeed successfully or for as long as they would like.
I go to a support group that Vilia helps to facilitate each week, whether I really “need” to or not. In my mind, I do need it. It gets me out of the house and it’s a great way for women to talk to each other mother-to-mother about nursing in a truly judgement-free environment, at least in my experience. I truly believe that if I hadn’t found support, information and education about breastfeeding, I very well may not be right now.
I’m sharing a video of Vilia giving a talk about breastfeeding and the modern woman. It’s definitely worth a look!
3 ways to support breastfeeding moms
1. Show her Love, compassion, and understanding.
Listen to the new mother. She is likely overwhelmed and frustrated. Both she and her baby are learning, but it’s not a fast process. When she talks about how overwhelmed and frustrated she is, give her a hug and avoid telling her how to “fix” it.
2. Help her trust herself.
Mothers are the experts of their babies. But modern healthcare and marketing have hurt the mothers ability to trust her own body and intuition. Encourage her, tell her that she’s got this, that there is nothing wrong with her body. Tell her that if she wants to breastfeed her baby, she can.
And if she’s on the verge of giving up, help her find support. There are lots of groups all over the place that provide education and encouragement for moms.
3. Feed the new mom
This one is easy. There are days when I feel like I’m glued to the couch, and Lil Ziggy is glued to me. I rarely eat enough during the day, but it is so important for helping to keep my energy levels up. A great idea for friends and family who want to support the new mom would be to bring over lots of healthy snacks that do not take any prep for her. Or make her a few healthy and filling breakfasts and lunches. It’s hard to be alone with a baby all day long, and the time goes by so quickly that often I don’t even realize that hours have passed since I last ate anything.
And if I can offer one more piece of advice… if you are an expectant mom who wants to breastfeed, I encourage you to seek out education and support before you even give birth. There are so many resources that you may not know existed, but they can make such a difference in your breastfeeding journey.
Feel free to share your breastfeeding story in the comments! Please keep the comment section civil, as it is a sensitive subject for many women. Thanks!
This post has been shared on the following linkup parties:
Tuesday Talk party via Sweet Little Ones
Weekend Wind Down Party via Snippets of Inspiration
#Bestoftheblogosphere Party via Optimistic Mommy
I love when mothers share their experience as it seems each one is so different and I had two completely different experiences with both of mine and breastfeeding and it helps to read and support others now too. Great post. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
Hi Jenny, thanks for hosting the link party :). You’re right, every breastfeeding story is as different as the mothers and children who live them. Thats why we need to support every mother in her unique situation. I’m glad you enjoyed my post!
Wow. I just started a series in which I’ll be covering this topic in a few weeks. (I may add the video to my post- I’m so glad I watched it!) I breastfed successfully twice. When #3 came around, I had so many issues… I nearly gave up. I have always been admit that with good support (almost) any woman can successfully breastfeed. It sounds like you’ve found some amazing women to be your village. Keep up the good work, momma!
Hi Daffny, please do go ahead and share that video – the more views the better! You’re very right about how with good support, almost every woman can successfully breastfeed. Unfortunately there is so much misinformation, conflicting and confusing information, and outdated attitudes towards the breast and nursing. It really disempowers women. It’s women like you who speak up about breastfeeding and your experience to start normalizing it again. I’m looking forward to following along with your series!
Also, I love your phrase, “It sounds like you’ve found some amazing women to be your village”. Very powerful words!
When I was reading your story, I sat there thinking “They were having her pump off the foremilk? Why?” I have heard so many similar stories. I think a big part of the problem from the get-go here in the US is impatience on the part of doctors, OB-GYNS in particular. Our whole culture is run-run-run, go-go-go. I’ve been reading the international birth story series on The Best of Baby and I’m realizing that so many countries dedicate chunks of time postpartum just for mom to nurse baby, and have that time to figure it all out so that they can succeed. It’s built into the birth experience! Here, it’s treated like an extended condition, and nobody has time for anything but immediate perfection.
Anyway, off my soapbox now! I did also want to come back and say that you’ve learned by now, but a fast let-down is okay. My second has enlarged tonsils, but he breastfed for over a year. My third has done much better in keeping up, but we still end up with milk showers every now and then. That’ll wake you up! Ha! With my second I was able to pump extra in the mornings, and I ended up donating it to a milk bank that serves NICUs, among other things. Something to consider, if you’ve got a lot of extra milk laying around. 😉
Oh I have so much extra milk in my freezer, I’m sure I’ll be donating it to the milk bank in Calgary eventually! And I agree wholeheartedly with what you said about people being so go-go-go. In Canada, we get a whole year of maternity leave, which I gather is much more than most places in the U.S. I hope that with time and continued advocacy, employers will start giving better maternity considerations for women who want to continue to nurse (maybe even longer maternity leave?).
And yeah, the foremilk thing got me scratching my head too. I sometimes don’t know how our species survived!
Thank you for sharing your journey – YES having a support system is crucial. BF is so hard, even though it is so natural you would think it should just be intuitive, right? But nope. I got the help of a lactation consultant and went to support group meetings while I was still on maternity leave and even though it is still a struggle and I have low supply, I still breastfeed and pump at work just to give baby even some of the good stuff. I’m glad that you found your support system to keep you motivated and continue to do this! Love your list of how to support a new mom!
Hi Julie, I’m glad to hear that you were able to successfully nurse your baby and are continuing to do so even though you are back at work. Thanks for commenting!
I so agree! I struggled to nurse all 4 of my children and ended up supplementing a bit. I think that if there was more support that more women would breastfeed. Good for you not giving up!.
Here are some of my experiences with breastfeeding: http://fromonemommatoanother2.blogspot.ca/2014/09/when-breastfeeding-doesnt-go-as-panned.html
Thanks! I just read your nursing experience – My son also tends to “fight” when it’s time to nurse. It gets so frustrating but I just have to keep putting him back on and eventually (like a LONG time later) he gets it. It’s like he’s never nursed before and he’s starting from scratch every time. I know that things will keep getting easier though :). Thanks for sharing!
I agree, nursing is soooo hard! I struggled with low supply with my first and still do with my second (7 months old now) so its hard to accept that my body is perfect; I just want to feed my babies without problems!
It is definitely hard to believe that our bodies are all we need to feed our babies, but they are! I personally believe that many women are told they have low supply when in reality they haven’t been given a proper chance to establish their supply. There is an attitude in modern society that babies need to conform to our own schedules so if they aren’t eating enough in a certain amount of time, it’s because of “low supply”. This starts the cycle of “topping up” with formula, which eventually decreases supply further or eliminates it entirely. I’m not sure if this is what happened to you, but I know it’s the story for so many women. I’ve also known of women who have successfully restarted breastfeeding months after switching to formula. It can be done!